It’s challenging for me to write
about myself but I’m getting to a point where there are things that need to be
said. I can’t imagine anyone being terribly interested in my life. It’s such a
confusing mess of fuckery and bad decisions but at the same time I can’t help
hoping someone might get something from it, I don’t know what but something.
Anyway I’m going to write this out and put it out there for anyone to take what
they will from it.
I’ll start with what I think
needs to be clearest for anything that follows to make the slightest bit of
sense. I have a poor self-image. I mean it is a pile of shit. I don’t see any
beauty in myself, I don’t consider myself particularly intelligent, and not at
all talented in anyway. I have no idea how people perceive me in reality but I
generally assume that it’s not exactly positive and I am merely tolerated. This
is my own fucked up opinion of myself getting in the way and doesn’t reflect
how I am treated by others. I try and do
things to make up for how I see myself, things like helping people as much as
possible, donating blood, giving advice and compliments. It helps to feel like
I’m making a difference in others’ lives to put my own issues aside.
I don’t tend to let people get
too close to me or open up too deeply to many people. I create barriers mainly
in the form of random non-sequitor comments and ramblings. It’s a sort of
defense mechanism to keep people at a comfortable distance. I am not a
touchy-feely sort. I keep closeness on my own terms and don’t warm up to people
that easily. That being said I still am respectful to people and (I’ve been
told) quite generous even if I don’t have that much to share. Writing something
like this with the intention of allowing people to read it is a change for me.
Typically I burn the few things I write or only allow a trusted few to read
them. I guess maybe it’s time to let the world start to know who I am, if they
want to know. I’m also trying to sort my life out on pages, like talking my
life out but silently. It’s such a complicated mess to me; I just want to feel
proud of who I am for once.
I am full of hopes and dreams.
There is so much I want to achieve and do and it feels like every time I try, I
fail. I keep trying though but some days I just don’t even know if I want to
keep going. I think maybe it would be better if I just settled for less but I
know I can’t. There’s a person I want to be and I have to find a way to be that
person no matter how hard it gets. Nothing I’ve ever tried feels like it’s
worked. I feel that at this point in my life I should be farther along, instead
I keep failing and feel bogged down by all the mistakes I’ve made. I go by
process of trial and error but everything ends in a dead end but I don’t want
to give up yet.
I feel awkward discussing my life
with people because I feel like I’m dumping my own shit on others. Everyone’s
got things they need to deal with in their own lives and I hate to impose on
others. I think I take too much from others already. I feel guilty asking for
anything from anyone, especially help. It’s fucked up but I don’t want to take
from anyone, especially their time. Sometimes though, I need it. I guess I’m
just a complicated, messed-up person—Broken even. I don’t even know what to do
with myself anymore.
So that’s
enough insight into the fuckery of my life. I can’t even believe I’ve put this
into words. I’m not expecting or looking for sympathy or pity or any of that
shit. I just need to get this out somehow. Thanks for taking the time to read
this.
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